can i just say that i am super blessed to have my shift partners at grandfather home for children. Hollie and Michael are amazing. They are my support system, they are there when I need them and they make me laugh when I want to cry.


That is all.

ohhhh.. after working my short shift (four days as opposed to 5), then doing a tw day (where i don't spend the night, but work anywhere from 8-24 hours), i am sooooo happy to have no commitments until wednesday morning at 8:30am. The beginning of this past shift was kinda shitty, but then i switched into my permanent cottage and everything was great. my girls were pretty good, and i LOVE my shift partner, hollie. she is outstanding, we have a lot in common, and along with working well together, she is also cool as shit. it excited me to no end to be working with her. I feel like i'm really coming into my own with this job. My girls are great, and while i always thought i would rather work with boys than girls, it turns out to be totally opposite. The girls don't have the problems with outright macho bullshit the way that the boys do. and my girls know how to just shut up sometimes.

As hard as my job is, I do really love it.

i just realized that my last post was depressing.

so i just wanted to say publicly that i am very happy.

beth is home and i have a stupid job until i can go back to the Grandfather Home for Children.

yay.

God bless, y'all.

it's saturday night

so of course, i'm sitting at home... alone... doing laundry.
i haven't left the house today. the only call i've gotten is from my ex in wilmington who is almost 40 and as mature as my cats. my best friend and i have been texting back and forth all evening, and she doesn't seem to want to hang out. i'm pretty sure she's hanging out with her boy toy, who she will blow anyone off for, in hopes it will end up in sex (even though that has only happened on one occasion).
i have no job
i have no money
i have no life.

i'm tired of it, i really am. i sleep all day, and i'm up all night, dwelling on how miserable my life is.


something has got to give. i've grown really tired of wanting to cry

well, robbie did call last night, but it was almost 3am and i was in bed.
he called again today while i was at work. he was actually in the applebees parking lot, his friend ran over to the food lion to get him contact solution or something.
anyway, i finally found his rental place in bum fuck.
we hung out for a couple of hours. nothing really special, watched some guys from him dart team play poker and mr. shitfaced john get his ass beat by not quite so shitface jason.

it was just nice to be in his presence.
being around him is vastly underrated. he makes me smile.

anyway.. it is late... or is it early?
either way, it's bedtime for me.
so, i'm off to have sweet, sweet dreams of the love that i like to think we'll have again someday.

ya can't blame a girl for dreamin, can ya?

so.. robbie is in town.

he called me today at work and i didn't get out of the dining room fast enough to answer it. he left me a message saying he was in blowing rock. of course, the rest of my shift i was friggin ecstatic. i love that boy.

so anyway... i called him when i got home and he was at thier cabinish house thing drinking a beer. they're going out to geno's tonight so i think i am going to join them. though, i really don't like genos that much. i'd rather hang out where he's staying or here, but whatever.

i've started getting really paranoid about how i look and what i'm wearing and if i'll even go at all or what. but let's face it, the boy has always made me nervous.

but we shall see. maybe he'll get drunk and wanna make out or something. :-D

okay.. thats all for now.


[Edit 10:40pm]
robbie has not called yet.
i texted him and he hasn't responded to that either.
i'm officially sad.

it seems like everytime i'm in durham or he's up here (which is practically never) he gets my hopes up and then crushes them. i don't think he realizes how fragile i still am, even though i'm much older. i don't think he knows how much of my heart he still holds, and therefore how much he can hurt me.

boo. i just hope he calls and wants to come over or something.
but i guess i'll keep dreamin...

yes, i know. it's been three months since i've posted anything and i'll be damned if i can even remember what i last posed about without going back and looking.

i've been blogging everything on myspace since i became absent here.

so... here's the update, or what i can think of at the moment:
i'm still working at applebees. my bitch general manager who i had problems with when i started resigned, and since then work has been awesome. i have tons of fun, i work with awesomely silly retards like myself, and i make good money doing it.

i just went back and saw what my last entry was on here, and wow... i didnt realize how much things had changed. it was a friends only post, about bryan and how he was coming back up and made me so happy...
well, here's the update:
he told me he wanted to be with me recently, and tho i regretted having to fess up, the feelings are totally gone. i don't know why, but when i kiss him now it's like it's my brother. i just.. i dunno. i think my heart gave up. anyway, he's whiney and stuff about it. go figure.

no new boys, they are trouble.

speaking of relationships... i recently found out only through blogs and away messages that jessie floyd, "my jessikins" is engaged. it hit me the same way it hit me when nora got engaged and i found out the same way. just, i never expected jessie to forget me like that. i noticed when she started seeing this guy that i heard from her less and less, but honestly... this hurt. she is one of the sole influences in my finding Christ. hell, we practically have matching tattoos. but a sister-in-Christ doesnt need to know about the most important decision she makes in her life practically?
i dont know what to say about that, but i'm trying not to be hurt or angry or bitter or any of that. i want to think that i am better than that and i want to be happy for her.
but, it still sucks when friends just drift away and seemingly forget about you.

i cut my oodles and oodles of hair. actually, a girl i work with who is a hostess, she cut it. she did a good job too. it just feels sooo short.
here's a visual:

my security blanket is gone.
but my hair grows as fast as weeds, so i wont worry.

ohhh gosh i almost forgot!!!
may 2, 2006
at 6pm or some shit
FALL OUT BOY!!!! with beth and mike little no less!!! i looooove mike. he cracks me up, we have soooo much fun together, and he genuinely cares about me. i dont know what i would do without him.

well.. on that note, i am off to try to read 3 months worth of friends posts.
and i will probably pass out on my laptop.

goodnite and God bless!!

i spent all day today in the ER.
more diabetic ketoacidosis stuff, my body has not bounced back from whatever has been attacking it for months.

at this point, i don't know if i'm afraid that i am going to a blind paraplegic in my old age or that i won't make it to old age.

this disease just doesn't seem fair.
i find myself asking "why me?" too often these days.

everybody dispises thier boss, right?

no.

i have never had a boss that i hate as much as i hate krista, the gm of applebees.
most of my problem with her is that it makes me sick that she is soooooo worried about whether i can watch my tables from wherever i go to drink something sugary when i go hypoglycemic at work, and not so much worried at all about my health in general.

i cannot wait until the day that i go into insulin shock in the middle of "her" restaurant during a hugely busy shift because she is a ranting bitch from hell.

i mean, really. she talks down to everyone, including managers. she has a power trip from hell and she likes to scream extremely loud and bitch at you about everything. we got into it after i had been there about 2 weeks... ever since, she has been a bitch to me. she is the only one who has not asked if i am okay since i was in ICU and out of work for 2 weeks. PLUS when i come back from medical leave there is some shitty customer's note from a table that was mine, and photocopies it and it is posted the first time i come in to work after i get out of the hospital, today she decided to talk to me about it, and she's riding my ass, even though the reason i didn't give the best service is because hypoglycemia.

i swear, at some point she is going to fire me for something and i am going to come back and sue the living hell out of her. i don't know how much money she makes, but it's too much. she's just a generally rude person who is incredibly fake to your face, that is what bothers me about her.

plus, she will SMILE while she is a bitch to your face.

i want to slap her, but i never will.



now that i am done with that....
i didnt have that bad of a day, except pulling up to work and seeing her car there.
that always gaurantees a stomach churn.